tour update #1.

i'm not actually on tour. i had to stay back while the band left yesterday because i had to go to the hospital for what turned out to be just really bad stomach flu.

so it's been two days, and i've thrown up everything i've eaten, but i can breathe through my nose and all i want to do is get better so i can meet up with my boys in santa barbara on wednesday and finish out the tour.

this whole situation has been ridiculously dilapidating and it makes me feel terrible because i've been looking forward to this for months. i just want to be well enough to play.

next update when i'm actually doing something worthwhile, and not stuck in bed, puking my brains out.




in lieu

in light of my recent blog, and in light of the fact that it's almost christmas and christmas is all about making lists, here's my girly, relentless, horrifyingly mushy list. i will only do this once and then never speak of it again. i'm just venting.

all i need in someone is:

- someone who will arrange jim carrey marathons to watch with me.
- someone who can understand me even when i ramble uncontrollably.
- someone who doesn't NEED to constantly be around me, or talk to me constantly, rather genuinely wants to.
- someone who has their own friends, and will let me have mine.
- someone who will do the exact opposite of what i tell them to do (in good taste. controlling girlfriends are overrated.)
- someone who, if i call him in a nonsensical fit of rage or sadness has a backup plan to make me feel better, which hopefully includes thai food, a pack of cigarettes and a really great hug.
and finally, and of course this is on every girl's list, but i'm pretty sure i'm one of the few that gets to say this has ACTUALLY happened to her (now seven times, i have bad luck with men)...

- i am not your secret girlfriend. i want someone who wants to be seen with me. i don't care about being "out and about" to "flaunt our love", but if we are out, please don't drop my hand when you see someone you know, or introduce me as just your friend, or tell your friends, "pft, i'd never date her."


merry christmas.

despite the general tone of the blog, i'm very happy.

beauty in the breakdown

i'm tough. i'm emotionless [and yet still too sensitive]. i'm obnoxious and loud and masculine and sarcastic and although all those words describe me completely i'm still so much more.

i'm really sensitive. i'm romantic. i'm creative and comforting and sincere and slightly obsessive in all the right ways: but only by myself.

i see all the things that girls say they want, and laugh at them because i know i'm good enough to just live my life the way i have been. because why do i want to throw myself into a relationship with someone and wonder if i'll ever get a chance to be with anyone ever again? why do i want to deal with all the drama that comes with having a boyfriend? why do i want to chance turning into what all of my once-close friends turned into when they entered the relationship?

and then you ask; why wouldn't you want someone to stop your nonsensical rambling with a kiss, or come to all of your shows just to get to say that they are with you, or to always do the opposite of what you say out loud because they know what you really want?

well, really, fuck all of that. if there's a single person i've ever had feelings for, i can only tell him this:

i wanna hold your hand.


i know what you're saying, james and amber.

but after that, i know for sure that it isn't the case this time.

and i'm pretty sure i'm perfectly fine with that. i think the only way to discourage and prevent myself from becoming a "repeat offender" is to maintain that demeanor. so, no more thinking about it for anything more than it is. i am very happy.

i leave for tour on sunday. eventually i will figure out how to send blogs from my phone, and i'll update this with stories of all the hilarity.

role reversal

Today, on my one year anniversary of working at Coffee Bean, I got written up for having a poor attitude.

I've worked, at one place or another, for five years, and I've never received a write up, ever. Naturally, I didn't take it well.

One thing that stuck out to me is hearing, "It seems as if you're always bringing anger that comes up outside of work into the workplace." One year ago, that was absolutely true. I was dealing with problems with my home life, and social life, and virtually my own health, and I was carrying that around everywhere with me. But then I look at my life now and can only say that I am the happiest I have been in... well, maybe ever. So the irony is that instead of bringing life related drama into the workplace, I'm bringing work-related drama into my life. How's that for reversal?!

I love going back and reading the last few blogs I've written. I think one of the most phenomenally empowering thing to see is your own happiness. To reflect on that only improves your mood.

I have the absolute greatest best friends ever. Without the three of them I would be nothing. James and Amber are the perfect blend of a comforting friend and a partner in crime. They are truly my pillars, and I know wherever they go, whatever they do I will always have them; with them, I don't have to worry about bullshit drama and ridiculous lies. The most straightforward, blunt, harsh people are the greatest ones in the world; and I got them. Hannah: FTW.

And then there's Blackwelder: God damn I'm lucky. With the exception of Jamber up there, I've never gotten to realize how much of a gift it is to have a friend who is constantly supportive of everything you do. I'm sort of a "best friend whore" and it is true that it seems that at many times in my life I've written this same blog about some other person who inevitably let me down, and though I doubt it, who knows what will happen with Steven and I, but I can say this: he has been the greatest asset and the greatest gift to me these last few months. I don't think anyone will be able to step in between our friendship. It may be questionable, but what matters is that we know it's strong.

Honorable mention (and let me state how very, truly, honorable it is) goes to Timmy Chisham, my favorites in Sleep Cyclops, Sleep, and my brothers Colton and the She Sells Sea Shells. Timmy has been around forever, and to be honest is a blunt, vulgar, insensitive, brutal asshole; and if he were anything different we wouldn't be friends. I can always count on him to run off on random adventures and accomplish things I didn't think I'd ever do. He's the only person I can be cripplingly disgusting with without breaking a sweat.

The SCS boys are really something special. These kids have everything a friend could ask for. I support everything they do and are going to do so much, it's ridiculous. They are always there with stories and advice and just the sort of general nonsense that makes you adore a group of beatnicks. They're all very talented, and I'm truly blessed to be close with such an outstanding group of guys. o]

You've probably heard me bitch and moan about being in a band, but it's only because of who I have to stand up with on stage. Colton, Robb, Walter, and Hollis are four of the most phenomenal musicians I've ever met, and they only keep getting better. Imagine my fear of getting the opportunity to surround myself with a kickass group of artists?! All nerves and complaints aside, I'm stoked on the opportunity to make something happen with these guys. I think I'm going to start getting my shit together and prove that I can pull my weight with the greats.

....Oh yeah, I went there. GOODNIGHT.