Will I ever falter?

Things have been fantastic. Who am I to kid myself in thinking that they haven't been? It's been a long time since I've posted about Giant, and even more wonderfully, I haven't had to. The fact is, it took me three long years to stop fussing over how "he was wrong" and that "I am the one", to only come to the conclusion that I am completely fucking insane. I'm happy to admit that everything he ever told anyone about me, all of the frustration I caused him was completely deserving of the result I got. But I don't want a second chance, I just want to go on living my life. So I've checked out of life rehab, and started anew.

After a short (oh, and I do mean short) battle among people who were once friends (a "social cleansing", if you will [minus all the murder]), I managed to get myself exposed to some of the greatest people I've ever met.

I'm in a band. More so than that, I'm in an amazing band. These four guys will ONLY be able to help me grow as a musician. I have so much fun working with them that it almost completely overshadows my terror of working with them. I don't want to disappoint anyone. They are so incredibly influential to me, and I feel as if one false move on my part would hurt my chances of an incredible experience. Hopefully I hold my weight. My first gig with them is this weekend in Alameda, CA. We leave for tour on December 27th. How weird to thing that the second I stop pursuing music as an academic major, doors I didn't know even existed started opening.

I got in touch with an old friend, who is now a best friend. Through him been able to get to know another group of new friends, who I think will be great friends. I'm learning so much about being a person, being a friend that I never let myself be exposed to while I was concerned with only Giant's life. I hope they'll grow to respect and love me as much as I'm loving them. It's about time I gained more friends who make me laugh; instead of ones I only end up debating with.

Things are better than they have been in years. I feel like I'm genuinely moving forwards and taking steps toward a positive light...

But I can't stop worrying. What if my mom hits another financial snag? What if I fail out of school? What if James and Amber move back to Ohio? The 'worsts' all stack up in my head until they explode into one weekend of chaos and emotion. I want to have the money to help my mom. I want to stop being lazy and keep up with my homework. I don't want my twin pillars leaving me; I don't want to imagine what it'd be like if we weren't friends anymore. I don't want to worry about the only guy in years I've thought would really work out, only to find out it was only a lead. I just want to be French about it and let it roll off my shoulders.

Steven says, 'it'll all work out'. But after 20 years, aren't I at least granted ONE CHANCE? Not once have I been able to say what everyone else my age (and younger [and thirty-four]) get to say; get to feel what they get to feel. And hey, I really wanted it to work this time. I'm not even sure why, sometimes. I treated him like shit for two years, and he never lost any charm, or 'gave up on me'. So am I paying for that now? Are these my consequences? Now that I'm finally in a place for the first time in my life where I am ready for this he is conveniently at it's inverse?

And I know it won't happen again. I don't even know why I write about it. He won't ever see it, his friends won't show it to him, and if they did it would be ridiculous because it wouldn't change anything. I just know I won't get another shot. I have always taken pride in being 'one of the boys' and I don't see anything in me that wants to change to fit the contrary. I like who I am, a lot. I wish he was in the right place. But here I am, getting to worry about the horrible things he might be getting into, or how he's probably lying to me because he's found a better prospect. Who am I to say who he has to be with? That's not me, I know it, everyone knows it, so I should just shrug it off and move on.

In the end, it's like I'm living my life for the first time. Three years took ten off of me and it feels as if I don't understand how to be social. I'm awkward, and shy, and nervous all the time. I shook delivering a 3 minute presentation on a subject I knew like the back of my hand today. I haven't gotten nervous publicly speaking in years. I might be broken. But it time for me to take the first, brand new steps. It's time for me to start from scratch and make myself into the person that I want to be, and not what I wanted to be to someone else.

It's going to be an interesting year...