For the longest time I've kind of thoroughly believed that I have no discernible personality traits. I used to always think that the way to get someone to notice me was through the only memorable attribute I have; my voice. I've always thought that no one knows the true me until they hear me sing. When I liked someone, I used to do everything in my power to find some way, some how for them to hear me sing (even went to very extreme lengths) because I thought that only then they'd actually remember me; that I wouldn't just be "that goth chick" or later on "that scene chick" or even now "that fat chick".

I still feel the same today.

Recently, I found out that someone (who I am not friends with anymore, for different reasons) who I had called my best friend for five years, who knew everything about me and supposedly[hopefully] saw all the good in me, referred to me (to be able to explain to someone else who I was, within reference to the 30-million Hannah's there are in our given scene) as "big Hannah".

Now trust me, I know what I look like. I'm almost twenty years-old. I've long surpassed being upset about someone taking a stab at the way I look. The end-all-be-all is that I really like the way I am, and the way I look; though not conventional, it's good enough for me. No, being called "big" is not what upset me. It's the idea that out of all the things that I think I offer and bring to the table, I'm still only known for one thing; the way I look.

How many Hannahs' do you know that play ukulele?
Or sing in a solo project called "She's In The Band"?
Or sing, semi-professionally, at all?
Or maybe ones that drive all over everywhere at the drop of a hat, just for an adventure?

I'm not saying these make me some god, some special being to be regarded highly over everyone else; but come on, can't we just drop my weight?

It sucks to find out that I am exactly the same as I was in gradeschool. How I try so hard to impress one person by using the only creative medium that I have any grasp on. Since I'm far beyond the person to continue saying, "I like you." or be forward and say, "Stop leading me on", I figure if I sing it, or strum it, or fuck, blog it enough, this person will drop everything and get their act together. He won't, I know it. I went through this delirium for almost three years and I think at this point my mind is refusing to let me deal with it again.

I miss the ability to like someone. I didn't let myself for a long time, and now that I finally though I kind of got back into that incredibly liberating [yet horribly crippling] feeling that would-be puppy love, I still am ending up screwed. And I have to pick myself up, and for friendship's sake, pretend I never even felt that way.

And I will. And no one will know a thing.
Because I'm really good at it, after so many years.
But I know I like you. And at least I know that at one point, you liked me.

Unfortunately, nothing I could ever sing could change the outcome.

But I'll probably still try.

-"Big" Hannah.


Timmy said...

thats messed up
everyone refers to you as "shes in the band hannah" except me, your always hannah ramma