Do you ever think to yourself...

"...if this doesn't happen, I don't know if I'll make it?"

It's exhilarating and crippling and horrifying and uplifting to have so much love and passion for something intangible. When you make it your personal mission to bring that, the idea, the thought to fruition you put so much of yourself into it that even the slightest bump in the road hits you like a knife to the chest.

That's where I am at this point.

My head is close to exploding with plans and thoughts and ideas and hopes and I thought I had found the perfect way to organize them and execute them and this past week, these next few weeks are going to prove trying on the will to do just that. I worry that now that I've finally gotten "serious" and am willing to drop my entire life to make this happen, that everything else I need to make this a reality will drop off into nothingness and I'll be left alone.

Well let's just open this up: I can't do this without you.

I can't do this without my friends.

I can't do this without myself.

So note to self: Carry on!

I find that when I get upset and frustrated I have a tendency to drop whatever I'm doing and work with my hands; draw something, paint something, build something. It's all in hopes to distract me from whatever is hurting, sometimes it helps. This time I decided to paint my first mural on one of the walls in my room. It has no particular purpose, and I'm by no means a visual artist. In fact, I've shyed away from graphic arts for most of my life because I really don't have any kind of gift for it, but hey, any excuse for me to play with paint.

Is there something intangible that you feel so passionate for you feel like the very thought of losing the ability to express it would destroy you? How do you keep on working towards your goals when it seems like you're on your own?

I could use all the advice I can get.

I'D RATHER WRITE A SONG THAN A BUSINESS PLAN.

"...because this is me, saying words I actually mean. I won't compromise this thing just to make it..."

-Bryce Avary (The Rocket Summer)

This is just a short, little blip to remind you all of something:

DO WHAT YOU DO BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT.

There are times to be technical, but there is a fine line between being technical and being mechanical.

Don't ever forget that you probably play music, or draw, or write, or paint, or dance because it gives you that Red-Bull-Gives-You-Wings feeling. Just about everyone dreams of making money doing something they love and although I don't believe there is a crime in that, just be certain that on your chosen career path you don't lose sight of why you started.

For me, I entered into a union with music the first time I ever sang on stage. 'Til death do us part, I am committed to always having a portion of my life devoted to music, and in return music will always make me happy.

I'm very much into an "art for art's sake", mentality. And hey, maybe that's why I'll never "make it" as a musician. Maybe that's why I'll play open mic nights and graduation parties for the rest of my life. But you know, I'm sure that after I play my 100th batmizvah, my ukulele will still give me the feeling of that unbreakable bond that music and I have. 

That's the greatest thing about art, about music: Even if you don't know a song, even if you mess up on the lyrics or chords, music is still there to always pick up where you left off.

"No matter how bummed out you get on life, and how disconnected you feel from everything, music pulls you right back up and keeps you positive."

 

heart on my sleeve

I have more than a couple tattoos. All of them shell out a different meaning, a different significance to my life, but I don't think any of them have hit me the way this new one has. 

When I was younger, and even now to some extent, I was very reluctant to take any time to really think about my future. I don't mean thinking about school, what I want to do for my career, but really thinking about me and who I will personally become in the future. If I remember correctly, starting around age 13, I never thought too much ahead because I couldn't see myself living past age 18. I never planned on killing myself or anything of the sort, but where most of my friends can delve into this deep, elaborate construct of what they think they'll be like when they 'grow-up', I never got past legality. Two years later I'm starting to see that I have a good long life ahead of me, and I couldn't be more excited to get on living it.

 

 

So now that I've dropped the assumption that I'll drop dead any second, I've designed this tree on me, basically, the Tree of My Life, and not only do I get to live and experience my life as it progresses, but I get to watch the progression in the form of color, slowly working it's way up this tree. It's exciting to think that now, when I'm just barely getting into my adult life, the tree will be very black and white, and as I get older and gain experiences, more and more color will be added and therefore more and more life will be represented.

In my last blog I talked about the dates that I've picked so far. Think about your 'Life Tree': What dates would you include?

think about your ink.

I got a new tattoo today.

Four hours of the worst pain of my entire life.

Here it is in a nutshell: An Acacia-type tree with branches/trunks that wrap around each other and my leg in a DNA format. On each of the leafy plateaus are books, sort of growing out of the tree. There are twenty-something books altogether. As we go along on the covers of the books will be dates that are significant to my life. It's lowest point is the back of my heel, and it ascends up to about mid thigh. 

Normally [surprisingly] I am very good with tattoo and piercing pain. I won't lie about it hurting but I usually can get by without more than a wince or an expletive here and there...Not this time.

Todd (Studio City Tattoo) really put me through the ringer. This being the third time I've worked with him (he did my Shel Silverstein arm-piece as well as my feet) I trust him very much to meet me all the way with my ridiculous ideas and he definitely delivered. Although I was probably the most irritating client (several minutes were spent with me shaking due to all the trauma and random whines/moans/yelps of pain every now and again), he worked through everything and gave me the start of a gorgeous leg sleeve.

Right now it actually feels very nice. I'm usually a big fan of getting tattooed; I actually like the feeling a lot. Not in some masochistic "I-get-off-on-this" way, but the adrenaline rush is just what one needs after a while of monotony. Today wasn't necessarily an exception, but it did take a lot of stress just to get to this point.

I can't wait until we get to coloring it and adding the dates. I have five so far: The rest will come as I age.

1. 12-30-06 -- The day my grandfather passed away. I loved him and it being one of the first deaths I've ever dealt with hit me kind of hard. I miss him every day. There are a lot of things that happened on/around that day; a lot of things that affected not only me but the people around me I care about. It's going on the tree to signify moving on.

2. 6-27-05 -- The day I knew I wanted to pursue music forever. It may seem insignificant to you, but that night I got the opportunity to get on stage and sing a song with Danger Radio. It was the first time I had even been on the same stage as any kind of band, and even though I look back at videos of that night and shudder at how awfully my nerves affected my voice, I remember the elation I felt being able to be up there. It's going on the tree to remind me to keep working at it.

3. 12-15-06 -- I won't go into too much detail on this one; it's very much for myself. This was just a good day. Nothing significant or extravagant happened, but I've always remembered that day for it's peace. It's going on the tree to show me that even though --friendships, relationships, life-- don't always work out as you want them to, you still have memories.

4. 12-10-08 -- December seems to wield plenty of dates for me; who knew? This was the very first time I performed my own music on stage. We were doing Soapbox at Mission College and I arrived there completely by myself, so nervous that at one point during the drive I actually turned around to bail. It's going on the tree to signify following my instinct and going through with everything I desire, because I'll never know what happens if I don't try.

5. 2-2-10 -- Yep! You guessed it! Again, stupid to you means the world to me. This is the day Stick to Your Guns approached me about using my cover for their new album. I'm honored to be a part of this. Who knows what will come from this? Maybe nothing, maybe everything. But this is going on the tree to remind me of the day where I felt absolutely unstoppable.

So many memories yet to make. I can't wait to put them on the tree.

coming to terms and loving yourself.

I've been using the term "in retrospect" a lot lately. For a minute there, I thought I may have been backpedaling.

Thinking back to the person I had been over the last two, maybe three years, I can't help but laugh and be appalled all at the same time. Whenever I look back that far I see only someone with some very serious abandonment issues, and someone desperate to make a name for herself.

I don't miss it. It seems weird to me (and I'm sure to you) that all of my nonsense could be solved with six months of me-time. I was certain that I was just far too 'messed-up' to be fixable. Nowadays I'm very proud of who I am, and who I hope to become. I think I am slowly (and sometimes tentatively or hesitantly) taking the right steps to get myself where I'd like to be.

However, there are always those days where I worry I'm stuck in a personalized episode of the Twilight Zone and though I think I have reached some sort of 'plateau of normalcy' I really am just as crazy as when I started. That all of the soul-searching I tried to put so much stake into was really just an unfortunate roundabout.


...but you know what? At this point, I may just have to take crazy. Everyone's entitled a little bit of crazy. :)