I am not the type of girl...

Let's not kid ourselves.

We all know I'm obviously an emotional person. I have a tendency to "sweat the small stuff" and as a wise person once said (albeit reversed), "it's all small stuff". I am an expert worrier and the duchess of doubt; I try to keep that PMA as much as possible, but nothing will help me get away from my fears.

Me outside Command after Day 1.
I've been a wrecked emotional rollercoaster lately. The idea of finally creating this album is not only exhilarating, strengthening, and exciting --- it is also overwhelming, exhausting and stressful.

I've had many worries since we've started this: what songs will we pick? How will we know they are good enough? How will I write enough? Who is going to play with me?--- but the one absolute Wonder-Worry trumps them all: The ever-challenging, always-present...money.

I knew from the start this wasn't going to be cheap. I knew from the start this album was going to have to mark the beginning of a new Hannah, a frugal Hannah. After missing the "Savings" train early on in the quarter, I, with the undoubtedly incredible/amazing/overwhelming/fantastic help of countless friends/fans/family managed to pull together almost half of the potential cost of this album in only two weeks.
It was a big hurrah, really. No one can express how grateful I am to have a support system that is seemingly unstoppable right there with me throughout all of this. I am constantly meeting new people who want nothing more than to help me make this happen and as wonderful as it sounds---it's put me into emotional ruins.

This is hard to type, as I feel I will immediately be misunderstood. I do not take anything for granted. I do not in any way disrespect or misunderstand the magnitude in which people have been helping me. But I just don't know what to do with it.

Will watching the scratch for "Feels Like Home"
My engineer/producer/mixer-extraordinaire, Will,  is constantly telling me how badly he wants to make this album great for me; he says he's never seen someone put so much heart into an album, let alone the task of self-funding it (or as I've just now dubbed it, help-funding it). For the past month or so (and to add insult to injury it's all happening so fast) I've been running around like a madwoman; collecting donations, making t-shirts, mailing benefits, covering songs. As a barista I make a pittance, but I've taken every possible cent out of every possible paycheck and put myself in some very uncomfortable financial positions because this means everything to me.

I never imagined I'd have to ask for help. I'm not entirely sure where I thought the money would come from (though a tree in my backyard was a nice daydream for a while). Although my producer/lifter of heavy things/business guru/close friend, Joey had been telling me for years I had the potential to make an album and have it be good, and to be able to get people interested, I think the idea of actually getting into the studio was so far-fetched in my eyes, that worrying about how I was going to pay for it was the furthest thing from my mind; I wasn't even convinced it could happen!

Asking for help has been the hardest thing for me. My entire life I have wanted nothing more than to be completely self-sufficient. I have failed miserably in many aspects of that, and each blow is more harsh than the next. While I do think hope I have something genuine and interesting to offer people by way of music and personality and a general thirst for the open road and meeting new friends, as people have been donating and supporting and reposting, I get stuck on the question: why?

Why am I good enough? Why does this mean anything to you? This is my dream, and all of you are putting your love and your support into it.

I know. It sounds bad. I sound bad. But let me finish.

Today at work after speaking with Will, I broke down a little bit in the back room. Money has become the solitary road block to this album's success. It pains me greatly to say that; I've always hated money. Not only the idea of not having enough, as always seems the case, but even the idea of having more than I need terrifies me. I am scraping together recycling and tips and the very last bit of my paycheck before I'm forced to starve just to pay for one more studio day.

Brian "Dogboy" Burwell tracking drums.
As you may or may not know, we've already had two days of recording at Command Studios. I will briefly sidetrack to tell you that these were some of the greatest days I've ever had. In tracking just drums, a few electric guitars, and some beautiful strings, I've been completely floored. I never thought I'd hear my songs without just me and my ukulele. I never thought I'd hear my songs coming out of some fancy equipment that I couldn't even begin to tell you how it worked. I never thought I'd get the chance to stand in an airtight, suffocating, sweltering hot little booth and sing like it was all I had left in life. It was overwhelming. And as my good friend said, I've "caught the bug".

Having said that, knowing that I only have enough money to pay for one more day (when we need at least three more) is the most depressing feeling in the world. I'm spending all my spare brainpower into trying to plan something, organize something, make something, wash something, clean something, cook something, do something just to help pay for one more day. And after that do it all over again and pay for another day. And again after that until I finally have something to give you all.

I am a nervous wreck. But please, don't take that the wrong way. You all are the only thing that keeps me going. Because of the help and time and support and love you all have donated to me in more ways than one, I'm slowly but surely realizing that I may just be good enough. And you do really just want to help. And maybe, just maybe, I can really give you something to be proud of.
Me being far too short for this soundbooth.

I'm constantly blowing up everyone's feeds on here, on twitter, on facebook, telling about all the ways you can help She's in the Band work our way towards this goal. Everything helps; maybe buying a t-shirt, or getting on the list for some gang vocals, or even just telling someone about the cause. I promise that I am personally doing everything I can to ensure that we stay as on track as much as possible.

My biggest worry though, is that it won't be enough.

Trying to stay afloat in shallow water,
but successfully fighting the treacherous the Under Toad,
Hannah Sciurba


Essie said...

Awwww. It'll happen. I know because I'm psychic and opportunistic and only befriended you because you'll make loads and loads of money in the future.

Jena Carper said...

I've heard several of your covers. You really really are amazing. Keep your head up, and remember you're doing what you love. The rest of it will all fall into place. :)