hannah vs. Hannah

One of the first things you learn about the Deaf culture is the difference between deaf and Deaf.

"deaf" implies the physical handicap. A deaf person acknowledges it as a disability. A hearing person might more often than not see a deaf person; a person defined by a "disability." A Deaf person, on the other hand, from what I've learned, is a person who has accepted who they are and even more so are proud of it.

I'm struggling in a fight against my former self. This year has been simultaneously the best and worst of my life to date. And I imagine that the next year will be the same. And the year after that. It's always going to be a mixture of the good and the bad, it's how you shift it and how you use it to your advantage that matters.

"hannah", if you will, wants to bury herself in delusions. She believes that if you just pick at something over and over again that it will become what you want it to be. She destroys lasting friendships to pursue a singular course of fantasy.

"Hannah", on the other hand, took over a year to completely come to fruition (Well, really, she took about 21 years to complete, but for our purposes--). It took a complete cleanse of everything to get her to that capital letter. To the point where she was proud of who she was and proud of what she knows and proud of what she will do.

I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud that I've had to make difficult decisions in my life. I'm also proud to have so much help along the way. However, the way I used to be keeps popping in for a visit here and there. It's like that relative, that skeezy second cousin who only comes around on a holiday where gifts are exchanged. You don't really have any control over them being there, all you can do is humor them and count the seconds until they go away.

hannah was the worst possible version of myself. And unfortunately I'm seeing her more and more over the last few weeks. I'm single-handedly destroying the most meaningful friendship I have.

Hannah won't let that happen. So, publicly, I am sorry. I am sorry for poking and prodding where I didn't belong. I am sorry for pushing away the well wishes and sympathy of others for the well wishes and sympathy I will never get. I am sorry for not dropping things that ought be dropped.

It took long enough to get me to this point, I can't afford to backtrack now.

In other news, I fainted in the middle of a grocery store, I've regained my addiction to sparkling apple cider, and Tron is amazing.

Happy New Year, everyone.