touring (or lack thereof), and why it owns my soul.

In my last blog, I touched base on the idea of being so overwhelmingly passionate about something that for it to fall apart would mean you, as a person would fall apart. 

Oh yeah, that's real.

(And it's terrifying.)

I did a lot of thinking today about what I'm working towards, and why I want it. I want this album finished, first and foremost, for me. I want to hold it in my hands and be able to say, "This is me. This is what I've been doing. This is what I've put everything I have into and even if you don't like it or don't listen to it, it's still there and you can't take that away from me." 

But what I really want is simple: I want to tour.

My home, wherever I've called home at any given point in my life is nothing more than a pit stop to me. A few quick hours to sleep, shower, eat (maybe) and then I'm off to tackle another long list of things to do. I like that. I like being constantly on the move and busy and having some sort of schedule of events. 

I love touring. I haven't had too much experience with it, but I'm hooked. 

I've been with bands, stuck in towns we've never been in where we don't know anyone and just because some really cool kids dug the sound, brought us back to their house and gave us floors and couches to sleep on, warm showers, and homecooked meals (oh, that's right. I've met mothers!). I've been stuck on the side of the road, with hardly any money and a broken down car waiting for the next step: whatever it takes to get to the next gig.

I love it all.

I love sleeping in the van, and plugging in phones at the venues and camping and meeting new people and I just want to do it for as long as my body will let me. I want the long drives and the pictures and stories to go along with them. I want to take something with me from every place I ever go.

It's hard watching things constantly move around you when you feel like you're stuck in one place. The ASL sign for STUCK is two fingers against the front of your throat; how horribly accurate does that depict the feeling? Cutting off your air supply, losing all feeling.

Well, it's time for me to make this happen. I'm vowing that I will make sure that I spend years touring. As a performer, as a roadie, as a fucking merch girl. I want to see everything, and meet everyone.

What do you live for?