i'm not actually on tour. i had to stay back while the band left yesterday because i had to go to the hospital for what turned out to be just really bad stomach flu.
so it's been two days, and i've thrown up everything i've eaten, but i can breathe through my nose and all i want to do is get better so i can meet up with my boys in santa barbara on wednesday and finish out the tour.
this whole situation has been ridiculously dilapidating and it makes me feel terrible because i've been looking forward to this for months. i just want to be well enough to play.
next update when i'm actually doing something worthwhile, and not stuck in bed, puking my brains out.
in lieu
in light of my recent blog, and in light of the fact that it's almost christmas and christmas is all about making lists, here's my girly, relentless, horrifyingly mushy list. i will only do this once and then never speak of it again. i'm just venting.
all i need in someone is:
- someone who will arrange jim carrey marathons to watch with me.
- someone who can understand me even when i ramble uncontrollably.
- someone who doesn't NEED to constantly be around me, or talk to me constantly, rather genuinely wants to.
- someone who has their own friends, and will let me have mine.
- someone who will do the exact opposite of what i tell them to do (in good taste. controlling girlfriends are overrated.)
- someone who, if i call him in a nonsensical fit of rage or sadness has a backup plan to make me feel better, which hopefully includes thai food, a pack of cigarettes and a really great hug.
and finally, and of course this is on every girl's list, but i'm pretty sure i'm one of the few that gets to say this has ACTUALLY happened to her (now seven times, i have bad luck with men)...
- i am not your secret girlfriend. i want someone who wants to be seen with me. i don't care about being "out and about" to "flaunt our love", but if we are out, please don't drop my hand when you see someone you know, or introduce me as just your friend, or tell your friends, "pft, i'd never date her."
yeah.
merry christmas.
despite the general tone of the blog, i'm very happy.
all i need in someone is:
- someone who will arrange jim carrey marathons to watch with me.
- someone who can understand me even when i ramble uncontrollably.
- someone who doesn't NEED to constantly be around me, or talk to me constantly, rather genuinely wants to.
- someone who has their own friends, and will let me have mine.
- someone who will do the exact opposite of what i tell them to do (in good taste. controlling girlfriends are overrated.)
- someone who, if i call him in a nonsensical fit of rage or sadness has a backup plan to make me feel better, which hopefully includes thai food, a pack of cigarettes and a really great hug.
and finally, and of course this is on every girl's list, but i'm pretty sure i'm one of the few that gets to say this has ACTUALLY happened to her (now seven times, i have bad luck with men)...
- i am not your secret girlfriend. i want someone who wants to be seen with me. i don't care about being "out and about" to "flaunt our love", but if we are out, please don't drop my hand when you see someone you know, or introduce me as just your friend, or tell your friends, "pft, i'd never date her."
yeah.
merry christmas.
despite the general tone of the blog, i'm very happy.
beauty in the breakdown
i'm tough. i'm emotionless [and yet still too sensitive]. i'm obnoxious and loud and masculine and sarcastic and although all those words describe me completely i'm still so much more.
i'm really sensitive. i'm romantic. i'm creative and comforting and sincere and slightly obsessive in all the right ways: but only by myself.
i see all the things that girls say they want, and laugh at them because i know i'm good enough to just live my life the way i have been. because why do i want to throw myself into a relationship with someone and wonder if i'll ever get a chance to be with anyone ever again? why do i want to deal with all the drama that comes with having a boyfriend? why do i want to chance turning into what all of my once-close friends turned into when they entered the relationship?
and then you ask; why wouldn't you want someone to stop your nonsensical rambling with a kiss, or come to all of your shows just to get to say that they are with you, or to always do the opposite of what you say out loud because they know what you really want?
well, really, fuck all of that. if there's a single person i've ever had feelings for, i can only tell him this:
i wanna hold your hand.
i'm really sensitive. i'm romantic. i'm creative and comforting and sincere and slightly obsessive in all the right ways: but only by myself.
i see all the things that girls say they want, and laugh at them because i know i'm good enough to just live my life the way i have been. because why do i want to throw myself into a relationship with someone and wonder if i'll ever get a chance to be with anyone ever again? why do i want to deal with all the drama that comes with having a boyfriend? why do i want to chance turning into what all of my once-close friends turned into when they entered the relationship?
and then you ask; why wouldn't you want someone to stop your nonsensical rambling with a kiss, or come to all of your shows just to get to say that they are with you, or to always do the opposite of what you say out loud because they know what you really want?
well, really, fuck all of that. if there's a single person i've ever had feelings for, i can only tell him this:
i wanna hold your hand.
lies
i know what you're saying, james and amber.
but after that, i know for sure that it isn't the case this time.
and i'm pretty sure i'm perfectly fine with that. i think the only way to discourage and prevent myself from becoming a "repeat offender" is to maintain that demeanor. so, no more thinking about it for anything more than it is. i am very happy.
i leave for tour on sunday. eventually i will figure out how to send blogs from my phone, and i'll update this with stories of all the hilarity.
but after that, i know for sure that it isn't the case this time.
and i'm pretty sure i'm perfectly fine with that. i think the only way to discourage and prevent myself from becoming a "repeat offender" is to maintain that demeanor. so, no more thinking about it for anything more than it is. i am very happy.
i leave for tour on sunday. eventually i will figure out how to send blogs from my phone, and i'll update this with stories of all the hilarity.
role reversal
Today, on my one year anniversary of working at Coffee Bean, I got written up for having a poor attitude.
I've worked, at one place or another, for five years, and I've never received a write up, ever. Naturally, I didn't take it well.
One thing that stuck out to me is hearing, "It seems as if you're always bringing anger that comes up outside of work into the workplace." One year ago, that was absolutely true. I was dealing with problems with my home life, and social life, and virtually my own health, and I was carrying that around everywhere with me. But then I look at my life now and can only say that I am the happiest I have been in... well, maybe ever. So the irony is that instead of bringing life related drama into the workplace, I'm bringing work-related drama into my life. How's that for reversal?!
I love going back and reading the last few blogs I've written. I think one of the most phenomenally empowering thing to see is your own happiness. To reflect on that only improves your mood.
I have the absolute greatest best friends ever. Without the three of them I would be nothing. James and Amber are the perfect blend of a comforting friend and a partner in crime. They are truly my pillars, and I know wherever they go, whatever they do I will always have them; with them, I don't have to worry about bullshit drama and ridiculous lies. The most straightforward, blunt, harsh people are the greatest ones in the world; and I got them. Hannah: FTW.
And then there's Blackwelder: God damn I'm lucky. With the exception of Jamber up there, I've never gotten to realize how much of a gift it is to have a friend who is constantly supportive of everything you do. I'm sort of a "best friend whore" and it is true that it seems that at many times in my life I've written this same blog about some other person who inevitably let me down, and though I doubt it, who knows what will happen with Steven and I, but I can say this: he has been the greatest asset and the greatest gift to me these last few months. I don't think anyone will be able to step in between our friendship. It may be questionable, but what matters is that we know it's strong.
Honorable mention (and let me state how very, truly, honorable it is) goes to Timmy Chisham, my favorites in Sleep Cyclops, Sleep, and my brothers Colton and the She Sells Sea Shells. Timmy has been around forever, and to be honest is a blunt, vulgar, insensitive, brutal asshole; and if he were anything different we wouldn't be friends. I can always count on him to run off on random adventures and accomplish things I didn't think I'd ever do. He's the only person I can be cripplingly disgusting with without breaking a sweat.
The SCS boys are really something special. These kids have everything a friend could ask for. I support everything they do and are going to do so much, it's ridiculous. They are always there with stories and advice and just the sort of general nonsense that makes you adore a group of beatnicks. They're all very talented, and I'm truly blessed to be close with such an outstanding group of guys. o]
You've probably heard me bitch and moan about being in a band, but it's only because of who I have to stand up with on stage. Colton, Robb, Walter, and Hollis are four of the most phenomenal musicians I've ever met, and they only keep getting better. Imagine my fear of getting the opportunity to surround myself with a kickass group of artists?! All nerves and complaints aside, I'm stoked on the opportunity to make something happen with these guys. I think I'm going to start getting my shit together and prove that I can pull my weight with the greats.
....Oh yeah, I went there. GOODNIGHT.
I've worked, at one place or another, for five years, and I've never received a write up, ever. Naturally, I didn't take it well.
One thing that stuck out to me is hearing, "It seems as if you're always bringing anger that comes up outside of work into the workplace." One year ago, that was absolutely true. I was dealing with problems with my home life, and social life, and virtually my own health, and I was carrying that around everywhere with me. But then I look at my life now and can only say that I am the happiest I have been in... well, maybe ever. So the irony is that instead of bringing life related drama into the workplace, I'm bringing work-related drama into my life. How's that for reversal?!
I love going back and reading the last few blogs I've written. I think one of the most phenomenally empowering thing to see is your own happiness. To reflect on that only improves your mood.
I have the absolute greatest best friends ever. Without the three of them I would be nothing. James and Amber are the perfect blend of a comforting friend and a partner in crime. They are truly my pillars, and I know wherever they go, whatever they do I will always have them; with them, I don't have to worry about bullshit drama and ridiculous lies. The most straightforward, blunt, harsh people are the greatest ones in the world; and I got them. Hannah: FTW.
And then there's Blackwelder: God damn I'm lucky. With the exception of Jamber up there, I've never gotten to realize how much of a gift it is to have a friend who is constantly supportive of everything you do. I'm sort of a "best friend whore" and it is true that it seems that at many times in my life I've written this same blog about some other person who inevitably let me down, and though I doubt it, who knows what will happen with Steven and I, but I can say this: he has been the greatest asset and the greatest gift to me these last few months. I don't think anyone will be able to step in between our friendship. It may be questionable, but what matters is that we know it's strong.
Honorable mention (and let me state how very, truly, honorable it is) goes to Timmy Chisham, my favorites in Sleep Cyclops, Sleep, and my brothers Colton and the She Sells Sea Shells. Timmy has been around forever, and to be honest is a blunt, vulgar, insensitive, brutal asshole; and if he were anything different we wouldn't be friends. I can always count on him to run off on random adventures and accomplish things I didn't think I'd ever do. He's the only person I can be cripplingly disgusting with without breaking a sweat.
The SCS boys are really something special. These kids have everything a friend could ask for. I support everything they do and are going to do so much, it's ridiculous. They are always there with stories and advice and just the sort of general nonsense that makes you adore a group of beatnicks. They're all very talented, and I'm truly blessed to be close with such an outstanding group of guys. o]
You've probably heard me bitch and moan about being in a band, but it's only because of who I have to stand up with on stage. Colton, Robb, Walter, and Hollis are four of the most phenomenal musicians I've ever met, and they only keep getting better. Imagine my fear of getting the opportunity to surround myself with a kickass group of artists?! All nerves and complaints aside, I'm stoked on the opportunity to make something happen with these guys. I think I'm going to start getting my shit together and prove that I can pull my weight with the greats.
....Oh yeah, I went there. GOODNIGHT.
it's nights like these
it's night like these that make me remember that there is so much good in the world to be seen from two inches in front of your nose.
the lovely mr. steven blackwelder drove all the way down from lancaster after he got off work, to hang out with me when i got off of work. we had mochas and iced teas, lots of cigarettes, a fountain and so many stories. just being able to sit and talk with someone for hours on end and laugh and learn so much has always been one of the greatest experiences ever.
so throughout all the crap that happened this weekend, and all the hopes that were stepped on, and the expectations that were so easily slaughtered, i found that there are things to be thankful for after all. and people, oh gosh people.
i'm thankful for people like steven blackwelder, amber manfredi, james pequignot, timmy chisham, lyndsay carpenter, and jason bornstein who remind me every day why i have so much faith that they will always be there.
i'm thankful for bands like colton saylor and the she sells sea shells, and sleep cyclops, sleep for constantly teaching me about everything; music, life, faith, and friendship.
i'm thankful for people like katie and sean for slamming a door shut in my face, only to open up the biggest and most rewarding one yet.
i'm thankful for my mom, for always being rock solid, and basically for pushing me out so that i had the extreme fortune of being able to meet all these people.
happy thanksgiving, everyone.
the lovely mr. steven blackwelder drove all the way down from lancaster after he got off work, to hang out with me when i got off of work. we had mochas and iced teas, lots of cigarettes, a fountain and so many stories. just being able to sit and talk with someone for hours on end and laugh and learn so much has always been one of the greatest experiences ever.
so throughout all the crap that happened this weekend, and all the hopes that were stepped on, and the expectations that were so easily slaughtered, i found that there are things to be thankful for after all. and people, oh gosh people.
i'm thankful for people like steven blackwelder, amber manfredi, james pequignot, timmy chisham, lyndsay carpenter, and jason bornstein who remind me every day why i have so much faith that they will always be there.
i'm thankful for bands like colton saylor and the she sells sea shells, and sleep cyclops, sleep for constantly teaching me about everything; music, life, faith, and friendship.
i'm thankful for people like katie and sean for slamming a door shut in my face, only to open up the biggest and most rewarding one yet.
i'm thankful for my mom, for always being rock solid, and basically for pushing me out so that i had the extreme fortune of being able to meet all these people.
happy thanksgiving, everyone.
perceptionzorz.
For the longest time I've kind of thoroughly believed that I have no discernible personality traits. I used to always think that the way to get someone to notice me was through the only memorable attribute I have; my voice. I've always thought that no one knows the true me until they hear me sing. When I liked someone, I used to do everything in my power to find some way, some how for them to hear me sing (even went to very extreme lengths) because I thought that only then they'd actually remember me; that I wouldn't just be "that goth chick" or later on "that scene chick" or even now "that fat chick".
I still feel the same today.
Recently, I found out that someone (who I am not friends with anymore, for different reasons) who I had called my best friend for five years, who knew everything about me and supposedly[hopefully] saw all the good in me, referred to me (to be able to explain to someone else who I was, within reference to the 30-million Hannah's there are in our given scene) as "big Hannah".
Now trust me, I know what I look like. I'm almost twenty years-old. I've long surpassed being upset about someone taking a stab at the way I look. The end-all-be-all is that I really like the way I am, and the way I look; though not conventional, it's good enough for me. No, being called "big" is not what upset me. It's the idea that out of all the things that I think I offer and bring to the table, I'm still only known for one thing; the way I look.
How many Hannahs' do you know that play ukulele?
Or sing in a solo project called "She's In The Band"?
Or sing, semi-professionally, at all?
Or maybe ones that drive all over everywhere at the drop of a hat, just for an adventure?
I'm not saying these make me some god, some special being to be regarded highly over everyone else; but come on, can't we just drop my weight?
It sucks to find out that I am exactly the same as I was in gradeschool. How I try so hard to impress one person by using the only creative medium that I have any grasp on. Since I'm far beyond the person to continue saying, "I like you." or be forward and say, "Stop leading me on", I figure if I sing it, or strum it, or fuck, blog it enough, this person will drop everything and get their act together. He won't, I know it. I went through this delirium for almost three years and I think at this point my mind is refusing to let me deal with it again.
I miss the ability to like someone. I didn't let myself for a long time, and now that I finally though I kind of got back into that incredibly liberating [yet horribly crippling] feeling that would-be puppy love, I still am ending up screwed. And I have to pick myself up, and for friendship's sake, pretend I never even felt that way.
And I will. And no one will know a thing.
Because I'm really good at it, after so many years.
But I know I like you. And at least I know that at one point, you liked me.
Unfortunately, nothing I could ever sing could change the outcome.
But I'll probably still try.
-"Big" Hannah.
I still feel the same today.
Recently, I found out that someone (who I am not friends with anymore, for different reasons) who I had called my best friend for five years, who knew everything about me and supposedly[hopefully] saw all the good in me, referred to me (to be able to explain to someone else who I was, within reference to the 30-million Hannah's there are in our given scene) as "big Hannah".
Now trust me, I know what I look like. I'm almost twenty years-old. I've long surpassed being upset about someone taking a stab at the way I look. The end-all-be-all is that I really like the way I am, and the way I look; though not conventional, it's good enough for me. No, being called "big" is not what upset me. It's the idea that out of all the things that I think I offer and bring to the table, I'm still only known for one thing; the way I look.
How many Hannahs' do you know that play ukulele?
Or sing in a solo project called "She's In The Band"?
Or sing, semi-professionally, at all?
Or maybe ones that drive all over everywhere at the drop of a hat, just for an adventure?
I'm not saying these make me some god, some special being to be regarded highly over everyone else; but come on, can't we just drop my weight?
It sucks to find out that I am exactly the same as I was in gradeschool. How I try so hard to impress one person by using the only creative medium that I have any grasp on. Since I'm far beyond the person to continue saying, "I like you." or be forward and say, "Stop leading me on", I figure if I sing it, or strum it, or fuck, blog it enough, this person will drop everything and get their act together. He won't, I know it. I went through this delirium for almost three years and I think at this point my mind is refusing to let me deal with it again.
I miss the ability to like someone. I didn't let myself for a long time, and now that I finally though I kind of got back into that incredibly liberating [yet horribly crippling] feeling that would-be puppy love, I still am ending up screwed. And I have to pick myself up, and for friendship's sake, pretend I never even felt that way.
And I will. And no one will know a thing.
Because I'm really good at it, after so many years.
But I know I like you. And at least I know that at one point, you liked me.
Unfortunately, nothing I could ever sing could change the outcome.
But I'll probably still try.
-"Big" Hannah.
Will I ever falter?
Things have been fantastic. Who am I to kid myself in thinking that they haven't been? It's been a long time since I've posted about Giant, and even more wonderfully, I haven't had to. The fact is, it took me three long years to stop fussing over how "he was wrong" and that "I am the one", to only come to the conclusion that I am completely fucking insane. I'm happy to admit that everything he ever told anyone about me, all of the frustration I caused him was completely deserving of the result I got. But I don't want a second chance, I just want to go on living my life. So I've checked out of life rehab, and started anew.
After a short (oh, and I do mean short) battle among people who were once friends (a "social cleansing", if you will [minus all the murder]), I managed to get myself exposed to some of the greatest people I've ever met.
I'm in a band. More so than that, I'm in an amazing band. These four guys will ONLY be able to help me grow as a musician. I have so much fun working with them that it almost completely overshadows my terror of working with them. I don't want to disappoint anyone. They are so incredibly influential to me, and I feel as if one false move on my part would hurt my chances of an incredible experience. Hopefully I hold my weight. My first gig with them is this weekend in Alameda, CA. We leave for tour on December 27th. How weird to thing that the second I stop pursuing music as an academic major, doors I didn't know even existed started opening.
I got in touch with an old friend, who is now a best friend. Through him been able to get to know another group of new friends, who I think will be great friends. I'm learning so much about being a person, being a friend that I never let myself be exposed to while I was concerned with only Giant's life. I hope they'll grow to respect and love me as much as I'm loving them. It's about time I gained more friends who make me laugh; instead of ones I only end up debating with.
Things are better than they have been in years. I feel like I'm genuinely moving forwards and taking steps toward a positive light...
But I can't stop worrying. What if my mom hits another financial snag? What if I fail out of school? What if James and Amber move back to Ohio? The 'worsts' all stack up in my head until they explode into one weekend of chaos and emotion. I want to have the money to help my mom. I want to stop being lazy and keep up with my homework. I don't want my twin pillars leaving me; I don't want to imagine what it'd be like if we weren't friends anymore. I don't want to worry about the only guy in years I've thought would really work out, only to find out it was only a lead. I just want to be French about it and let it roll off my shoulders.
Steven says, 'it'll all work out'. But after 20 years, aren't I at least granted ONE CHANCE? Not once have I been able to say what everyone else my age (and younger [and thirty-four]) get to say; get to feel what they get to feel. And hey, I really wanted it to work this time. I'm not even sure why, sometimes. I treated him like shit for two years, and he never lost any charm, or 'gave up on me'. So am I paying for that now? Are these my consequences? Now that I'm finally in a place for the first time in my life where I am ready for this he is conveniently at it's inverse?
And I know it won't happen again. I don't even know why I write about it. He won't ever see it, his friends won't show it to him, and if they did it would be ridiculous because it wouldn't change anything. I just know I won't get another shot. I have always taken pride in being 'one of the boys' and I don't see anything in me that wants to change to fit the contrary. I like who I am, a lot. I wish he was in the right place. But here I am, getting to worry about the horrible things he might be getting into, or how he's probably lying to me because he's found a better prospect. Who am I to say who he has to be with? That's not me, I know it, everyone knows it, so I should just shrug it off and move on.
In the end, it's like I'm living my life for the first time. Three years took ten off of me and it feels as if I don't understand how to be social. I'm awkward, and shy, and nervous all the time. I shook delivering a 3 minute presentation on a subject I knew like the back of my hand today. I haven't gotten nervous publicly speaking in years. I might be broken. But it time for me to take the first, brand new steps. It's time for me to start from scratch and make myself into the person that I want to be, and not what I wanted to be to someone else.
It's going to be an interesting year...
After a short (oh, and I do mean short) battle among people who were once friends (a "social cleansing", if you will [minus all the murder]), I managed to get myself exposed to some of the greatest people I've ever met.
I'm in a band. More so than that, I'm in an amazing band. These four guys will ONLY be able to help me grow as a musician. I have so much fun working with them that it almost completely overshadows my terror of working with them. I don't want to disappoint anyone. They are so incredibly influential to me, and I feel as if one false move on my part would hurt my chances of an incredible experience. Hopefully I hold my weight. My first gig with them is this weekend in Alameda, CA. We leave for tour on December 27th. How weird to thing that the second I stop pursuing music as an academic major, doors I didn't know even existed started opening.
I got in touch with an old friend, who is now a best friend. Through him been able to get to know another group of new friends, who I think will be great friends. I'm learning so much about being a person, being a friend that I never let myself be exposed to while I was concerned with only Giant's life. I hope they'll grow to respect and love me as much as I'm loving them. It's about time I gained more friends who make me laugh; instead of ones I only end up debating with.
Things are better than they have been in years. I feel like I'm genuinely moving forwards and taking steps toward a positive light...
But I can't stop worrying. What if my mom hits another financial snag? What if I fail out of school? What if James and Amber move back to Ohio? The 'worsts' all stack up in my head until they explode into one weekend of chaos and emotion. I want to have the money to help my mom. I want to stop being lazy and keep up with my homework. I don't want my twin pillars leaving me; I don't want to imagine what it'd be like if we weren't friends anymore. I don't want to worry about the only guy in years I've thought would really work out, only to find out it was only a lead. I just want to be French about it and let it roll off my shoulders.
Steven says, 'it'll all work out'. But after 20 years, aren't I at least granted ONE CHANCE? Not once have I been able to say what everyone else my age (and younger [and thirty-four]) get to say; get to feel what they get to feel. And hey, I really wanted it to work this time. I'm not even sure why, sometimes. I treated him like shit for two years, and he never lost any charm, or 'gave up on me'. So am I paying for that now? Are these my consequences? Now that I'm finally in a place for the first time in my life where I am ready for this he is conveniently at it's inverse?
And I know it won't happen again. I don't even know why I write about it. He won't ever see it, his friends won't show it to him, and if they did it would be ridiculous because it wouldn't change anything. I just know I won't get another shot. I have always taken pride in being 'one of the boys' and I don't see anything in me that wants to change to fit the contrary. I like who I am, a lot. I wish he was in the right place. But here I am, getting to worry about the horrible things he might be getting into, or how he's probably lying to me because he's found a better prospect. Who am I to say who he has to be with? That's not me, I know it, everyone knows it, so I should just shrug it off and move on.
In the end, it's like I'm living my life for the first time. Three years took ten off of me and it feels as if I don't understand how to be social. I'm awkward, and shy, and nervous all the time. I shook delivering a 3 minute presentation on a subject I knew like the back of my hand today. I haven't gotten nervous publicly speaking in years. I might be broken. But it time for me to take the first, brand new steps. It's time for me to start from scratch and make myself into the person that I want to be, and not what I wanted to be to someone else.
It's going to be an interesting year...
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